[With due acknowledgement to my friend Peter K. Richardson — may he rest in peace (he’s just fallen asleep with his face on his keyboard) — who owns many of these jokes.]
Never trust a man with short legs…
his brain’s too near his bum.
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Before he died, my uncle had an oily body massage. After that, he went down-hill fast.
My grandfather died of poisoning …
he drank from a bottle of varnish …
had a horrible death …
but a lovely finish!
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a camp fire?
This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two jokes combined.
Never hit a man with glasses.
Hit him with a baseball bat.
I don’t suffer from insanity.
I enjoy every minute of it.
Patient: Doctor, what should I do about my diet?
Doctor: Try not to eat anything fatty.
Patient: You mean eat less fat?
Doctor: No, fatty, try not to eat anything!
My doctor told me I’m now colour-blind;
It came right out of the purple?
I used to have a handle on life,
and then it broke.
I’m not a complete idiot,
some parts are missing!
If Barbie is so popular,
why do you have to buy her friends?
I sold my hoover.
Well, it was only gathering dust.
What do you call a blind deer?
My mother-in-law sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club,
but they sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.
I have kleptomania.
But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
My grandfather had his neck brace fitted last year,
and since then he’s never looked back.
I came across an advert for gravestones.
I thought ‘Huh, typical! That’s the last thing I need.’
I thought polygamy was the art of parrot-folding.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
I was at this bank cash machine and an old lady asked me if I would help check her balance…
so I pushed her over.
His mother should have sent him back and kept the stork!
The guy who invented the wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius!
How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?
A man isn’t complete until he’s married.
And then he’s finished.
Did you hear about the bear at the zoo that picked up a rifle, entered the restaurant, shot a customer, and left. When the customers complained, the manager said: “Well he’s only doing what’s described in the brochure, ‘Canadian Brown Bear, eats shoots and leaves.’”
I phoned the rambler’s club today,
but the bloke who answered just kept going on and on.
Did you know six out of seven dwarfs are not happy.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
Statistically, I am most likely to have an accident in my home…
Can I come and live with you?
The pair of gloves were beautiful.
I’d give my right arm for them.
Last week I got a car for my wife.
It was a good trade.
Ten miles he swam.
The last three were agony — they were over land…….
I’ve got friends all over the world……
None in this country, but all over the world….
SECOMBE: How do you start a pudding race?
MILLIGAN: I don’t know, how do you start a pudding race?
CRUN: This ancient method of keeping monies in mattresses is stupid. In my bank, the monies are placed in a… They’re placed in a tea caddy and THEN they’re put in a mattress. Double strength security!
Hypochondria is the only illness I don’t have……..
Singalong now : ‘Old McDonald had dyslexia … E.I.P.I.Q.’
I thought I’d start by singing one of Irving Berlins songs…….
but then I thought, why should I, he doesn’t sing any of mine !….
How much does it cost a pirate to have his ears pierced? … A buck an ear.
At no time during the proceedings do his hands leave his wrists !……..
Don’t you think these days nostalgia is a thing of the past?
Bloodnock: “It’s the police!”.
Seagoon: “Hah, I know how to handle the police!”.
Bloodnock: “How ?”. ……./
(Sound effects of footsteps, running away )….
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?…
It didn’t make sense for me to jump into the river in Paris,
I must have been insane.
What do you do for a blue whale?
Cheer it up.
What do you call a midget psychic who’s escaped from prison ?…..
A small medium at large.
Bloodnock: Seagoon, you must be rather new out here.
Seagoon: Yes sir, new out here, but old everywhere else.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
I can’t put it down.
I was offered a job as a jigsaw maker,
but I wasn’t cut out for it.
I turned down a job as a drinks taster for someone.
It wasn’t my cup of tea.
I almost got a job ringing doorbells and running away.
It was touch and go.
The golf ball hit me smack on the back of the head.
I just never saw it coming.
When they asked me what it would take for me to become a market trader,
I decided to set out my stall.
I went to a very sarcastic hairdresser.
It was the unkindest cut of all.
I didn’t put enough butter in my biscuit mix.
Ah well, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
The hangman asked me if I had any last requests.
I asked him if he could keep his trap shut.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just leave me alone.
I walked into the pub, and slipped on a pile of poo. Embarrassed, I went over to a corner seat. 4 mins later, a big guy came in, and slipped on it too. “I did that,” I said. The guy came over and beat me up … bad!
Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other,
‘Does he taste funny to you’?
I couldn’t sleep last night.
The three girls from next door were screaming so loud.
Eventually I unlocked the door and let them out.
I met my wife in Hong Kong.
I said, ‘What the heck are you doing here?’
I accidentally put my dog’s legs through a mangle …
long pause …
A man in a suit of armour, riding a white horse, trotted over to me just now.
I said: “Good morning, good knight.”
A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.
Now we have no Cash, no Hope, and no Jobs.
I sat next to a religious man in an Italian restaurant, but he took ages forwarding the food on.
I said, “Pass the pasta faster, pastor.”
Did you hear about the crab that went to the prawn’s cocktail party?
He pulled a mussel.
Women are so hopeless with technology. Take my wife (…please, take my wife); the other day she was on the computer; I told her she needed a password eight characters long, so she picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
I call my wife “treasure.”
People wonder where I dug her up from.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said to him “Well I want a second opinion.”
He said “Okay, you’re ugly too.”
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
He doesn’t believe in dog.
I said to a passer-by that I was taking my dog to have it put down.
He said: “Why, is it mad?”
I said: “Well, it’s not very pleased.”
When the hangman led me across the courtyard, it was pouring down.
I said: “Huh, this is awful.”
He said: “Stop moaning, I’ve got to come back in this.”
I came across a little girl weeping.
She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said:
“I put spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.”
My wife and I are in the iron and steel business…
She irons, and I steel.
That’s a site for sore eyes.
I went to the doctors today.
He said: “I haven’t seen you in ages.”
I said: “I know, I’ve been ill.”
My mother-in-law said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’
I said ’Good I’m being buried at sea’.
I’ve been teaching my dog to beg.
Last night he came home with £4.50.
I tried making a pencil with an eraser at both ends,
but I realised it was pointless.
Did you hear about the psychiatrist who found himself under his bed one morning?
He decided he was a little potty.
Did you hear about the Arab prince who had Parkinsons ?
I heard a rumour that Cadbury are developing a chocolate bar for the Asian market.
But it could just be a Chinese Wispa.
I’ve just deleted all the German names from my phone.
It’s now Hans free.
A man walks into a chemist’s and says, “Can I have a bar of soap, please?”
The chemist says, “Do you want it scented?”
And the man says, “No, I’ll take it with me now”.’
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
“Rastus, what’d you do if the Ku Klux Klan sent you a letter telling you to leave town?”
Rastus: “I’d read it on da train.”
Did you see the Chinese athlete who set a new pole vault record?
Wei Tu Hai.
I was trying to do another chemistry joke,
but they argon.
I’m a terrible snooker player.
Even the doctor says I need a long break.
I walked past this field and a cow threw some cheese at me.
What do you call a nut with a cold?
What do you call a woman with a screwdriver in one hand, a corkscrew in the other, and a knife sticking out of her hat? …
A swiss army wife.
What did the female church statue say to the male church statue before they went out on a date? …
Have you gargoyled?
I wore my brown paper trousers to visit Texas last week.
I was arrested for rustling.
I wanted to buy a caramel finger chocolate bar.
So I asked the shopkeeper how much they were.
He said “Twixpence”.
Water Polo is a very dangerous sport.
I had two of my ponies drown under me.
What do you call a Chinese woman who whisks cream for a living? …
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Well actually, it’s more of a rap.
Always remember you’re unique,
just like everyone else.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Demand the REAL poo!
Did you ever stop to think …
and forget to start again?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals.
I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn’t repair your brakes,
so I made your horn louder.
I didn’t say it was your fault,
I said I was going to blame you.
The early bird may get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
It was an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand YOU the camera.
You’re not fat, you’re just…
easier to see.
I don’t celebrate birthdays.
Too many of them can kill you.
I have an inferiority complex,
but it’s not a very good one.
Love means nothing to a tennis player.
They stole my mood ring,
but I don’t know how I feel about that.
I hate Russian nested dolls,
they’re so full of themselves.
Inspecting mirrors is a job I can really see myself doing.
I’d give my left arm to be ambidextrous.
I used to be a banker but I lost interest.
This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’
I said: ‘Is that a fret?’
What’s Arnold Schwarzenegger’s favourite holiday?
‘You have to love Easter, baby.’
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.